If You’re Asking This Question…You Already Know the Answer
You've Googled this at midnight.
Probably from the bathroom, phone screen dimmed, while your partner slept in the next room.
Maybe you deleted the search history after. Maybe you've been Googling variations of this same question for three years.
Should I leave? Should I stay? Am I overreacting? Is this as bad as I think it is?
Here's what nobody tells you: the fact that you're asking the question is already an answer.
Not the whole answer. But part of it.
I'm Valerie Jones. I stayed in my marriage for ten years past the point I knew it was over. I'm not going to tell you what to do. But I spent a decade asking the wrong questions, and I want to give you the right ones.
First: Why successful women stay longest
This is the part that doesn't make sense from the outside.
You're intelligent. You're capable. You've made hard decisions your whole career. You've fired people, closed deals, rebuilt yourself from scratch professionally.
So why can't you leave?
Because the skills that make you successful at work make you dangerous in a bad relationship.
You're good at problem-solving - so you keep trying to fix it.
You're good at delayed gratification - so you keep waiting for it to get better.
You're good at seeing potential - so you keep loving who he could be instead of who he is.
And you've been told your whole life that strong women don't quit.
So you stay. And you call it strength. And some days you almost believe it.
The 7 questions that actually matter
Forget "do I still love him." Love is not the question. You can love someone and still need to leave. You can love someone and be completely wrong for each other.
Here are the questions worth sitting with:
1. Do I like who I am in this relationship?
Not "am I happy" - happiness is weather, it changes daily. This is about identity.
When you're with this person, do you expand or contract? Are you more yourself or less? Do you say things you don't mean? Do you hide parts of yourself to keep the peace?
The relationship you're in is shaping who you become. That's not nothing.
2. Am I staying out of love or out of fear?
Be honest. Nobody's watching.
Fear of being alone. Fear of starting over at 45. Fear of what people will think. Fear of hurting him. Fear of the logistics - the house, the finances, the kids, the whole dismantling of a life you built together.
Fear is a legitimate feeling. It is not a reason to stay married.
3. Have I said out loud what I actually need?
Not hinted. Not hoped he'd figure it out. Not written it in a journal.
Said it. Clearly. To his face.
If the answer is no - that's where you start. You don't get to know if this relationship can change until you've actually asked for what you need and seen what happens.
If the answer is yes, and nothing changed - that's information.
4. Am I trying to fix this for me or for everyone else?
Your kids. Your family. His feelings. What your friends will say. What it means about you if you leave.
Are you staying in couples therapy and doing the work because YOU want this marriage? Or because the alternative feels too devastating to everyone around you?
Martyrdom is not love. It's just suffering with better PR.
5. What would I tell my best friend?
You know the answer to this one.
If your closest friend described your relationship to you - the fights, the distance, the loneliness, the way you feel on Sunday nights - what would you tell her to do?
We are always clearest about other people's lives. Use that clarity on your own.
6. Can I see myself here in five years?
Not hoping it gets better. Not after therapy, after the kids leave, after he changes.
As it is. Right now. Five more years of this.
If your body just reacted to that question, pay attention to it. Your nervous system knows things your brain is still negotiating with.
7. What is staying costing me?
This one is quiet. Nobody talks about it.
The energy you spend managing this relationship. The mental real estate occupied by the same arguments on loop. The version of yourself you've put on hold. The life you're not building because you're too busy trying to save this one.
Staying has a price. Most women never add it up.
What these questions won't do
They won't make the decision for you.
That's not the point. The point is to get you out of the fog of "I don't know what I want" - because most women DO know. They just don't want to know that they know.
These questions will show you what you already know.
What you do with that is yours.
If you're in the middle of this right now
I recorded an entire podcast episode on exactly this - the real questions behind the question, and what I wish someone had asked me before I waited ten more years.
You can listen here: Should I Leave My Relationship Or Keep Trying
And if you're ready to stop negotiating with yourself and start getting clear on who you actually are outside of this relationship - that's exactly what we do inside The Selfish Woman world.
You're not overreacting.
You're not too much.
You're just a woman who finally started asking the right questions.
